When I loved myself enough

One of my favourite books of all time is a book called "When I loved myself enough" by Kim McMillan.  Kim lists things that she sees as self love toward herself. I highly recommend it if anyone is looking for a thought provoking book.  


One of Mish's podcasts is her lesson "Your body is perfect".  In it, she talks about how our bodies are actually perfect.  When I put good nutrition into my body, when I exercise it, my body loses weight.  When I put poor nutrition into my body and don't exercise it, my body gains fat.  If I do the same exercise day in day out, my body begins to burn less calories to save energy.  There's nothing wrong with my body.  In fact, there never has been!  My body does exactly what it is meant to do.  It is, in fact, perfect!


I can't believe I've spent so long at war with my body, hating on it, thinking it was "less than"!


I had a bit of a breakthrough this week.  I realised that living a healthy lifestyle (that is: good nutritious food and exercise) is something I now do not because I have to, or because I should.  Instead, I do it from a place of self-love because I am worth it.  

It has become more of a willing conscious choice, than a forced one.




When I loved myself enough I realised that my body is perfect.  


When I loved myself enough, I chose to live a healthy life style as a gift for being the wonderful person that I am.

Flexing the willpower muscle - am I being too hard on myself?

I suppose I should put a disclaimer on what I’m about to write.  I really do consider that I have a pretty strong willpower muscle, developed since April, and I’m really proud of how strong it is. 

I organised a Christmas in July morning tea at work that was held a couple of weeks ago.  Everyone brought in this delicious looking and incredibly sugar loaden food but despite this, during the morning tea, I didn’t touch a single thing.  Even when I had to cut some doughnuts and cake and I got some cinnamon sugar and icing on my fingers, I didn’t even lick my fingers when I was done.  I just went straight to the sink and washed my hands.  The food sat in the kitchen throughout the day and I didn’t touch a single thing, although was tempted on the couple of times I went to make a cup of tea or fill up my water bottle.

I posted a while ago about how I was given a chocolate cupcake from one of the cupcake shops and I gave it away to a work colleague (although I entertained the thought of how nice it would taste before I did!).

I get that my willpower muscle is strong based on those events, but that doesn’t mean that it was easy.  Each and every situation I have come across where I’ve flexed that willpower muscle, has meant I’ve had to make the conscious choice not to eat that food.  It often involved some serious deliberation in my head, weighing up the options (is it really worth it? will I think it’s worth it if I weigh myself on Wednesday and I haven’t lost as much as I wanted? how will I feel if I don’t eat it and get a great result on Wed vs how will eating the food make me feel? Will I look back at this moment in time in 6 months and think, gee I wish I had that chocolate slice etc? is this honouring the commitment I made to myself, and to Michelle?).

One of my biggest goals right now is to get to a headspace where the choice becomes subconscious and not a conscious one.  I want to be one of those people who really can take it or leave it, without having to deliberate in their head about it before making the choice.

I was discussing this with a friend on the weekend and he thinks I’m being too hard on myself.  He thinks I should just be happy with the fact I have such a strong willpower and can make the conscious decision and stick with it.

Am I being too hard on myself, or am I setting myself a realistic goal?

Since the move...

So it's been a couple of weeks since I last updated this blog, mainly because life has been so insanely crazy with organising to move interstate, and then the actual moving.  

My most exciting news is that because I couldn't weigh in on Wednesday (because everything was still in Sydney, then we couldn't find the TV power cord to set the Wii up blah blah blah), I weighed in today to discover that I have lost another 3.2kg since I last weighed in 12 days ago.  So freakin' happy.  Even more exciting is that this brings me to exactly 15kg loss so far!!!! I almost can't believe it!!!!!!

I've kept up with squeaky clean eating the entire time which I'm incredibly proud of myself.  On my first day back at work last week, my old supervisor had brought in some little fairy cupcakes to welcome me back.  I was trying to work out in my head how to tell her that I don't eat cupcakes any more when she found out that our Director was not coming to the morning tea and she was so upset I didn't want to upset her any more by not eating the cupcake so I ate it.  I didn't even want to eat it, that's the stupid thing.  I was disappointed to have broken my squeaky clean eating streak with the cupcake I didn't even want, but proud that while eating it, I didn't even really want to eat it.  I skipped my afternoon snack (which is OK) to make sure I remained within my calorie count for the day.  Does it count if I didn't want to eat it in the first place? LOL

The exercise hasn't been so great though since moving here.  I've really struggled.  I have been leaving work at 4.45pm, getting a 5pm train home but by the time I get home it's 6pm.  There's no way I'm walking/running around this suburb after dark (or even at dusk) on my own given the high crime rate and dodgy surroundings. The only thing I have done since I've been here is go to boot camp on the weekend (I went to the one at New Farm on my second day in Brisbane, despite being exhausted from moving stuff).

I've got to get onto organising a gym membership which I'll hopefully do this week or the next (depending on $$$).  I've decided now that things are unpacked and I have a backpack again, I'm going to take everything to work in that with gym gear until I get a gym membership and in the afternoons, I will walk/jog over to South Bank and catch the train from there instead of Central.  It'll mean I get home later but that's not a big deal.  It might not be as much as I should be doing, but that's gotta be better than nothing I figure.

So as you can see, it's little wonder I'm thrilled with a 3.2kg loss given the lack of exercise.  I was seriously praying that my eating had been squeaky clean enough to get me over the 1kg loss/week line so when it was 3.2kg for 12 days, I was stoked!!!!

YAY for me :)

I did it - I registered for the City2Surf

And I'm running to raise funds for the Bears of Hope Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support.

I would love it if you have been affected by pregnancy and/or baby loss either directly or indirectly and can spare a couple of dollars to donate by clicking on the link below:

http://www.fundraise.city2surf.com.au/annmaree_findlay

Thanks heaps :)

The story of the chocolate cupcake

I’m doing some temp work at the moment (until Friday) and my temp agency came into work this afternoon and she handed me a little box with a cupcake in it from the Cupcake Shop.

I didn’t want to be rude because it was nice of her to do so I accepted it.  After she left, I opened the box and looked inside.  A chocolate cupcake.  It looked delicious. 

I sat there at my desk and stared at the chocolate cupcake.  I smelt it (I’m sure if any of my work colleagues saw me, they would have thought I was nuts).  I closed my eyes and imagined how good it would taste, and how it would feel in my mouth.  I imagined how good I would feel eating it and satisfying the urge for chocolate, especially since I haven’t had any sort of junk now for 8 weeks.

I closed the box again and thought about how good it will feel tomorrow when I get a good number on the scales.  I imagined getting to my goal weight, and how freaking awesome I will feel.  I pictured getting that positive pregnancy test because I’ve lost so much weight, my body has gotten back to ‘my normal’ again.  I imagined how it would feel to get that far without eating any of this sort of unhealthy food.

I very promptly gave the chocolate cupcake to a work colleague who was more than willing to take it off my hands.  Neither she or anyone else could quite believe how anyone could give up a chocolate cupcake (or any cupcake for that matter).  They were in awe of my ability to give it away without a second thought (little did they know! Ha!).

Tonight when I got home, I went down to the gym in our building and burnt off that chocolate cupcake that I didn’t eat.  In fact, I burnt off almost 3 chocolate cupcakes that I didn’t eat - 581 calories (Based on MyFitnessPal which says the cupcake is worth 200 cals).

And might I say, I’m mighty proud of myself tonight. 

Cupcake - 0
Me - 1

A big week - Week 1

Well as often goes in my life I always seem to tackle things at the hardest of times.  The last time I went on a "health kick" was just before Christmas, two Christmases ago.  It was horrible watching everyone eat all that food while I was trying to be healthy, not to mention being at my parents' place with all the temptations (and at times, being offered) of chocolate, softdrink and potato chips.

This time, I just started following the meal plans in Mish's Crunchtime Cookbook just before Easter and therefore abstained from chocolate over Easter.

So, of course Week 1 and I have to fly up to Queensland for a job interview on Thursday night.  Which means working the same hours I'd normally do in my 5 day week in 4 days.  Which means longer hours each day.  Which also means getting my nails done after work one night because they were looking ratty and I couldn't go to an interview with ratty nails.  Which of course meant going after work.  Which of course all translates to is really long days, longer than what I'm used to.  I was wrecked the entire week.

I'm not a morning person, I can't (or perhaps choose not to) get up early in the morning to exercise - the reasons why are another blog post though.

All this meant that I didn't exercise much.  Excuses? Perhaps.  But it is also the reality in which I lived last week.

I ate clean, I made sure of it.  I wanted to minimise the damage done by not exercising.  I took dinner with me to work and ate it before I went to the airport on Thurs night so I wasn't tempted by any food at the airport or on the plane.  I had a filling breakfast on Friday before I went to the city.  I chose a salad from Sumo Salad for lunch.  I was staying with a friend who is also doing the 12WBT which meant that Friday night and Sat morn were safe as we were eating the same stuff.  On Saturday I took healthy snacks with me in my handbag to eat on the plane or at the airport so I wasn't tempted once again by unhealthy food.  I'm pleased to say it worked.  I didn't eat any unhealthy food the whole time!!!

I made up for it today for Super Saturday (but on Sunday).   I did week 1 and week 2 of the C25K podcast down in Parramatta Park and then down by the river to finish off.  Only burnt off 724 calories but I'm still happy with that given that was in an hour and a half.  I could have done extra if I had the time today.

Tomorrow I'll be back on the horse though.

I'm not quite sure how I'm going to handle the end of the week though.  Monday and Tuesday I'll be fine.  Wednesday afternoon I am getting my nails touched up after work and then catching up with an old work colleague before I go.  Thursday afternoon I have a hairdressing appointment after work.  Friday afternoon I have a spray tan booked (and let's face it, I can't jog after that!!!).

I know some would say JFDI and get up in the morning early and while I'll aim to do it at least two days out of the three, it's really going to make me as exhausted as I feel this week.  I asked Lisa the Dietician on the forum about my issue with exercising in the morning and making me lethargic for the rest of the day, and she recommended I see the doctor as I have done everything she would have suggested.  I can't see a doctor til I've moved so it's going to make it difficult.

Anyway I'd best finish this post here, it's taken me hours to write as I've been packing and cooking in between.  Hope it all makes sense! I'd read over it, but I really must hit the shower and head to bed.

Night!
xo

If you can dream it - you can achieve it

"I want you to paint me a word picture. Pretend today is not today. You are not nervous, or overwhelmed or apprehensive or excited about the next 12 weeks. You are none of those things because you have LIVED it! You are at the finish line!"


Today I have just finished the City 2 Surf.  I'm hot.  I'm sweaty.  I smell from the sweat.  I'm thirsty.  My legs hurt.  My feet hurt.  My hands are red and swollen.  


I did it.  I completed the City 2 Surf again.  This time though, I blitzed it.  Shaved some time off last year's time.  Best of all though, I beat my Sydney Boy.  Last year he was half an hour faster than me.  Not this year.  


It wasn't as hard as last year though.  This time I was ready for it. 


I actually trained for the event this time so in some ways, today was easier.  Yet it was harder.  I pushed myself harder than I did last year.  I'm also about 10 kilos lighter than this time last year, 20 something kilos lighter than I was at my heaviest.  That makes today much easier - much less weight to have to carry around on these feet of mine.


I'm proud of myself.  I have now managed to eat clean for not only the 12 weeks of the 12WBT, but the 6 weeks prior to that too.  That's a total of 18 weeks with NO junk food.  NO chocolate, NO takeaway, NO soft drink.  It hasn't always been easy, I wont lie - life gets in the way sometimes and not only have I had to be disciplined and learn the art of saying "no thanks, I'm not hungry" to someone offering bad food, even if I was ravishing but I've had to be super organised to make sure those situations are few and far between.  I've eaten my 'healthy' food while sitting across the table from my boyfriend who is eating food full of crap.  I've not been tempted to have any.


I have managed to exercise 6 days a week for the last 12 weeks, plus the 6 weeks before the 12WBT started.  Even when I'm tired, busy, cold.  Even when I didn't feel like it.


I look over at my boyfriend and see how proud he is of how far I've come.  He loved me before, there was never any doubt about that.  Now though, there's admiration for the strength I've shown to do this.


All the hard work and dedication has paid off and I couldn't be happier.


Best of all though, I've just found out that I'm pregnant.  The City 2 Surf pales in comparison to this news.  Every day I felt tired, busy, cold, didn't feel like it, I trained anyway reminding myself that every kilo I lose will make me 1 kilo closer to getting pregnant.  Every time I looked at bad food and thought "that would be nice", I asked myself whether I'd prefer that food or the baby.  


I chose the baby.  And guess what? I am getting one!


Hard work DOES pay off.  Eating healthy and exercising is the key to weight loss.  Who would've thought?!